Have you ever noticed how two people can experience exactly the same situation and feel completely differently about it? Imagine two people are invited to give a presentation at work. One thinks, This is a great opportunity. I’m nervous, but I’ll prepare and do my best. The other thinks, I’m going to make a fool of myself. Everyone will see that I’m not good enough. The situation is the same, but their emotional responses are likely to be very different.
As a psychologist with more than 23 years’ experience, one of the most valuable things I have seen people learn is that our thoughts have an enormous influence on how we feel and behave.
This is one of the foundations of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT.
Recognise the connection between your thoughts and feelings
We often assume that situations directly cause our emotions.
Something happens, and we feel anxious, angry, embarrassed, hurt or depressed.
But there is usually something occurring between the event and the emotion: our interpretation of what happened.
If a friend does not reply to your message, you might think, She must be annoyed with me, and feel anxious. Someone else might think, She’s probably busy, and barely give it another thought.
The unanswered message did not change. The interpretation did.
This does not mean difficult circumstances cannot cause genuine distress. Rather, it means that the way we think about our circumstances can sometimes add considerably to that distress.
Start noticing your automatic thoughts
Many of our thoughts happen so quickly that we barely notice them. You may suddenly feel anxious without realising you have just thought, “Something is going to go wrong”. You may feel hurt after thinking, “They don’t care about me”. Or you may feel defeated because you have told yourself, “I’ll never be able to do this.”
The first step towards changing unhelpful thinking is simply becoming aware of it.
When you notice a strong emotion, pause and ask yourself: What was going through my mind just then? Writing the thought down can make it easier to examine rather than simply accepting it as true.
Remember that a thought is not necessarily a fact.
We tend to believe our thoughts because they occur inside our own heads. But thinking something does not make it true. You might think, I’m a failure, because something has gone wrong. You might think, Nobody likes me, after an uncomfortable social interaction. Or you might predict, I know this is going to end badly, without actually knowing what will happen.
Learning to separate what you think from what you know can make an enormous difference. Instead of automatically accepting every thought, become curious about it.
Look for faulty thinking patterns
Certain patterns of unhelpful thinking can occur repeatedly.
You might overgeneralise from one experience: I failed at this, so I fail at everything. You might think in all-or-nothing terms: If I can’t do it perfectly, there is no point doing it at all. Or you may use words such as always, never, must and should in ways that create unrealistic expectations for yourself or other people.
Recognising these patterns is important because once you can identify them, you are in a much better position to change them.
Question your unhelpful thoughts
Rather than accepting an upsetting thought automatically, put it under examination.
Ask yourself:
- What evidence do I have that this thought is true?
- What evidence suggests it may not be true?
- Am I using one of my usual faulty thinking patterns?
- Is there another way of looking at this situation?
- What would I say to a friend who was thinking this way?
These are some of the questions that can help people move from an automatic reaction towards a more considered and realistic interpretation. Your aim is not to convince yourself that everything is wonderful. It is to look at the situation as objectively as possible.
Replace the thought with something more realistic
Changing your thinking is not about positive thinking. If something genuinely difficult is happening, telling yourself Everything is fantastic is unlikely to help. Instead, the goal is realistic and balanced thinking.
For example: I completely ruined that presentation might become I stumbled over part of it, but other parts went well and I know what I can improve next time.
I’ll never cope with this might become This is difficult, but I have managed difficult situations before and I can take it one step at a time.
CBT is not about pretending problems do not exist. It is about viewing them through a more objective lens rather than automatically seeing the worst possible interpretation.
Look beneath your thoughts to your beliefs
Sometimes the same types of thoughts keep returning because they are connected to deeper beliefs. You might carry beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I have to please everyone, I can’t trust people or If I fail, it means I’m inadequate. These beliefs can develop from early experiences, relationships, culture, education and other significant experiences. Because they may have been with us for years, we often stop questioning whether they are actually accurate or helpful.
If you notice the same emotional reactions or negative thoughts repeatedly, it can be worth asking yourself what underlying belief may be driving them. Even deeply rooted beliefs can be questioned and gradually replaced with more realistic ones.
Change what you do as well as what you think
Thoughts and behaviour can reinforce each other. If you believe, I’ll embarrass myself if I go to that social event, you may avoid it. The avoidance gives you temporary relief, but it also prevents you from discovering that you might have coped perfectly well.
Often, changing your behaviour helps challenge the thought. Taking a small step towards something you have been avoiding can provide real-life evidence that your frightening prediction may not be accurate. Your thoughts influence your behaviour, but your behaviour can also help change your thoughts.
Give yourself time to change
Unhelpful thinking patterns usually develop over many years, so it is unrealistic to expect them to disappear overnight. Changing them takes awareness, practice, repetition and patience.
The more often you catch an unhelpful thought, question it and replace it with something more balanced, the more natural the process can become.
Your thoughts have enormous power over how you feel and what you do. When you learn to recognise unhelpful thinking, question it and replace it with a more balanced view, you can begin to change not only your thoughts, but your emotions, your behaviour and ultimately the way you experience your life.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 9, “Change Your Thoughts, and You Can Change Your Life”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].