Have you ever said, “He makes me so angry,” “She makes me feel terrible,” or “This situation is making me miserable”? It can certainly feel as though other people and circumstances directly control how we feel. But emotions are more complicated than that.
As a psychologist with more than 23 years of experience, I have seen how two people can experience exactly the same situation and respond very differently. One person may become angry, another may feel hurt, while someone else may barely be bothered at all. Why? Because our emotional response is influenced not only by what happens to us, but also by how we interpret what happens. While we cannot control everything that occurs in life, we often have far more influence over our emotional responses than we realise.
Negative emotions are a normal part of life
The aim is not to become happy all the time. Sadness, anger, fear, disappointment and frustration are all normal human emotions. They are not signs that something is wrong with you, nor are they signs of weakness. In fact, negative emotions can sometimes provide useful information. Fear may alert us to danger. Anger may indicate that a boundary has been crossed or something needs to change. Sadness can reflect loss or disappointment and may signal that we need support or comfort.
The problem is not that we experience negative emotions. The difficulty comes when they become overwhelming, last much longer than necessary or lead us to behave in ways that create further problems.
Don’t judge yourself for how you feel
One of the least helpful things we can do is add judgement to an already difficult emotion.
You might think:
- I shouldn’t be angry.
- I shouldn’t feel anxious about this.
- I should be over this by now.
But feelings do not operate according to a set of rules. Instead of criticising yourself for feeling a particular way, acknowledge the emotion. You might simply tell yourself, “I’m feeling really angry right now,” or “I’m feeling anxious and upset.” Acknowledging an emotion does not mean giving it permission to take over. It simply means recognising what is happening without creating another layer of distress by judging yourself for it.
Notice the thoughts behind the emotion
This is one of the most important skills in managing emotions. When you become upset, pause and ask yourself: “What am I telling myself about this situation?”
Suppose somebody criticises you. You might think, “How dare they speak to me like that? They have no right.”
That interpretation may increase your anger. Someone else might think, “They are obviously having a bad day. I don’t agree with them, but I don’t need to take this personally.”
The event is similar, but the emotional response can be very different. This does not mean blaming yourself for your emotions. It means recognising that your thoughts and interpretations give you an opportunity to influence how intensely you react.
Challenge the thought rather than feeding it
Once you identify the thought behind an emotion, ask whether it is helping you. You may be telling yourself:
- This is unbearable.
- Everything is ruined.
- I can’t cope with this.
- They shouldn’t be treating me this way.
Try replacing these thoughts with something more realistic and useful.
- This is difficult, but I can deal with it.
- I don’t like what happened, but it doesn’t have to ruin my entire day.
- I cannot control what that person thinks, but I can control how I respond.
A more balanced thought does not need to be artificially positive. It simply needs to be more accurate and less likely to inflame the emotion.
Avoid suppressing your feelings
Managing emotions does not mean pushing them away. People sometimes believe that if they ignore sadness, anger or fear, it will disappear. Often, the opposite happens. Suppressed feelings may emerge later as irritability, withdrawal, passive aggression or an emotional outburst. Instead of pretending you are fine, allow yourself to recognise what you are feeling and decide how best to respond.
You might talk to somebody you trust, write about what happened, take some time alone, exercise or simply allow the feeling to pass without acting impulsively on it. The goal is not to eliminate difficult emotions but to manage them in healthier ways.
Be careful of rumination
There is a difference between thinking about a problem and repeatedly going over it. Rumination occurs when you replay an upsetting event over and over, analyse every detail or continually imagine what could go wrong. It can feel as though you are trying to solve something, but often you are simply keeping the emotional experience alive. The more you replay what somebody said or did, the more angry, anxious or hurt you may become.
Ask yourself: Is thinking about this helping me solve anything? If the answer is no, deliberately redirect your attention towards something else.
Look after your overall emotional wellbeing
There are three particularly important foundations for improving emotional wellbeing: exercise, self-care and changing or distancing yourself from unhelpful thoughts.
These strategies work together. You are generally more emotionally resilient when you are looking after yourself, getting adequate rest, doing things you enjoy and remaining physically active. When these foundations disappear, everyday frustrations can feel considerably harder to manage.
Pause before you react
Perhaps the most useful habit you can develop is simply learning to pause. When you feel a strong emotion rising, resist the urge to immediately react. Notice what your body is doing. Notice your thoughts. Name the emotion without judging it. Then decide what response is most likely to help you. The aim is to move from reacting automatically to responding deliberately.
That takes practice.
There will still be times when you lose your temper, become overwhelmed or respond in a way you later regret. The goal is not perfection. It is gradually becoming more aware of what is happening inside you and developing greater choice over what you do next.
You cannot control every person, event or disappointment that enters your life. But you can learn to understand your emotions, question the thoughts that intensify them and choose responses that help rather than harm you. The more you practise doing this, the less power difficult circumstances have over your peace of mind.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 6, “Your Emotions are Within Your Control”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].