Have you ever found yourself replaying something you did years ago and wishing you could go back and change it? Perhaps you made a poor decision, hurt someone you cared about, stayed in the wrong relationship, missed an opportunity or failed at something that mattered deeply to you. Even though the event is long over, your mind keeps returning to it. Why did I do that? I should have known better. What was I thinking?
As a psychologist with more than 23 years’ experience, I have seen how difficult it can be for people to forgive themselves for past mistakes and failures. But making mistakes does not make you a failure. It makes you human. Your mistakes do not define you.
One of the most important things to remember is that something you did is not who you are. You may have made a bad decision. That does not make you a bad person. You may have failed at something. That does not make you a failure. When we make mistakes, we can easily attach labels to ourselves: I’m stupid. I’m hopeless. I always get things wrong. The problem with these labels is that they turn one experience—or even several experiences—into a judgement about our entire character.
Instead, try separating the behaviour from the person. Replace “I’m a failure” with “Something I tried didn’t work out.” Replace “I’m stupid” with “I made a decision I now regret.” That small shift in language can make an enormous difference.
Remember that hindsight changes everything
Looking back at a past decision with everything you know now is very different from making that decision with what you knew then. This is something we can often forget. Perhaps today you can clearly see the warning signs in a relationship you should have left earlier. Perhaps you now understand that a career decision was wrong for you. Maybe you regret how you handled a difficult situation with your child, partner, friend or colleague. But ask yourself: Did I know then what I know now?
You made the decision as the person you were at that time, with the knowledge, experience, emotions and circumstances you had available to you. If you would make a different decision today, that may actually be evidence that you have grown.
Turn regret into learning.
There is a useful purpose to reflecting on our mistakes. We can learn from them. The difficulty arises when reflection turns into endless rumination and self-punishment. Instead of repeatedly asking, Why did I do that?, try asking more constructive questions:
- What have I learnt from this?
- What would I do differently next time?
- Is there anything I can do now to make things better?
If you hurt somebody, perhaps you can apologise. If you made a financial mistake, you can change the way you manage money. If you stayed too long in an unhealthy relationship, you can learn what warning signs to recognise in future relationships.
Once you have taken responsibility, learned what you can and made amends where appropriate, stop punishing yourself. It serves little purpose. You cannot change yesterday. But you can allow yesterday to change how you live today and in the future.
Failure is part of succeeding
Most people would prefer to succeed at everything they attempt. Unfortunately, that isn’t how life works. Failure and disappointment are inevitable. A relationship may end. A business may fail. You may not get the job you wanted. You may attempt something and discover you are simply not very good at it. It can hurt, but failure can also teach us valuable lessons about ourselves—our strengths, weaknesses, values and what we want from life.
Instead of viewing failure as proof that you should stop trying, consider viewing it as information. Ask yourself: What did this experience teach me? What can I change? What will I take with me into my next attempt?
Sometimes what initially feels like failure eventually leads us somewhere better.
Stop comparing your mistakes with other people’s successes
Comparison can make failure and regret considerably worse. It is particularly easy today to look at other people’s lives and think everyone else is doing better than you. But you are rarely seeing the whole picture.
People tend to show their successes far more readily than their failures. You may see the happy relationship, successful career, beautiful home or wonderful holiday without seeing the disappointments, mistakes and struggles behind them. Social media can magnify this because we are often comparing the reality of our own lives with a carefully selected version of somebody else’s.
Everybody gets things wrong. Try comparing yourself less with other people and more with the person you used to be. Are you wiser than you were five years ago? What lessons have you learned? Would you handle certain situations differently today? Those are far more meaningful measures of growth.
Talk to yourself as you would talk to someone you love
Imagine your closest friend came to you and described the exact mistake you are struggling to forgive yourself for. Would you tell them: “You’re hopeless. You should never forgive yourself. You deserve to feel terrible about this forever”? Probably not. You would most likely acknowledge what happened while also reminding them that they are human. Try offering yourself that same compassion.
Self-forgiveness does not mean pretending you did nothing wrong. Nor does it mean avoiding responsibility. It means acknowledging the mistake, taking responsibility where appropriate, learning from it and then allowing yourself to move forward.
Give yourself permission to move on
Your past is part of your story, but it does not have to determine the rest of it. If there is something practical you can do to repair a mistake, do it. If there is something you need to learn, learn it. Then begin practising letting go.
When your mind returns to the past, remind yourself:
I cannot change what happened, but I can learn from it and choose what I do from here.
You do not need to keep suffering to prove that you are sorry. The person you are today has been shaped not only by your successes, but also by your mistakes. Learn from them, forgive yourself where you can and allow yourself to keep moving forward. Your mistakes and failures are things that happened in your life. They are not who you are.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 4, “Your Mistakes and Failures Do Not Define You”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].