Do you often put everyone else first and leave yourself until last? Perhaps your work, children, partner, family, household responsibilities or other commitments all seem more important than your own needs. By the time you finally have a moment for yourself, you may be too exhausted to enjoy it.
Many people have been taught that putting themselves first is selfish. But the opposite is often true. When your own needs are consistently ignored, your wellbeing is likely to suffer. Over time, this can contribute to exhaustion, irritability, stress, resentment, anxiety, low mood or burnout. Prioritising yourself is not about ignoring other people. It is about creating a healthier balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.
Putting yourself first does not mean being selfish
There is an important difference between being selfish and making yourself a priority.
A selfish person focuses primarily on their own needs without sufficient consideration for others. A selfless person may go to the other extreme, continually sacrificing their own needs for everyone else. A healthier position lies somewhere in between: caring about others while also ensuring that your own needs and desires are addressed.
The familiar aeroplane oxygen-mask analogy explains this well. We are instructed to put on our own oxygen mask before helping someone else. The same principle applies emotionally. If you continually run yourself into the ground, eventually you have less energy, patience and emotional availability for the people you care about.
Caring for yourself allows you to show up more fully in your relationships, work and daily life. So how do you begin putting yourself higher on your own priority list without feeling selfish or guilty?
Recognise if you are always putting yourself last
Sometimes people become so used to prioritising others that they barely notice they are doing it.
Ask yourself:
- Do I frequently agree to things I do not really want to do?
- Do I focus on other people’s feelings while ignoring my own?
- Do I take on more than my fair share without speaking up?
- Do I avoid saying what I think because I do not want to upset anyone?
- Do I regularly feel underappreciated or taken for granted?
- Do I treat other people with more kindness and compassion than I give myself?
The more often you answer yes, the more likely it is that your own needs have slipped too far down your priority list. Becoming aware of this pattern is an important first step.
Think before automatically saying yes
One of the simplest ways to begin prioritising yourself is to stop answering requests automatically.
Before agreeing to something, ask yourself:
Do I really have the time for this?
Do I genuinely want to do it?
Is this actually my responsibility?
You do not have to answer immediately. If you are unsure, it is perfectly reasonable to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives you time to consider whether saying yes is genuinely right for you rather than simply acting out of habit, guilt or fear of disappointing someone.
Learning to say no can feel uncomfortable at first, particularly if you are used to being a people pleaser. But discomfort does not mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes saying no is exactly what allows you to protect your energy and remain available for the things that matter most.
Ask for help and share the load
Prioritising yourself also means recognising that you do not have to do everything alone.
Ask for help where you can. Delegate tasks at work. Share household responsibilities more fairly. Let children take responsibility for age-appropriate chores. Accept offers of help from friends or family.
If you continually take on more than your share, others may simply become accustomed to it. Being clear about what you need can create a healthier balance and free up time for rest, enjoyment and self-care.
Let go of guilt about caring for yourself
Guilt is one of the biggest barriers to putting yourself first.
You may tell yourself that resting is lazy, going out is indulgent or taking time for yourself means neglecting somebody else.
But self-care is not wasted time. It helps replenish you physically and emotionally. When you are rested and nurtured, you are generally more patient, more energised and better able to support the people around you.
Try asking yourself: Would I judge someone I love for taking an hour to rest, exercise, read, have coffee with a friend or simply enjoy themselves?
If the answer is no, consider why you are applying a harsher standard to yourself.
Make time for what restores you
Prioritising yourself does not have to involve dramatic life changes. Start small. Ask yourself each day: What do I need today that would help me feel calmer, happier, more rested or more energised?
It might be going for a walk, exercising, reading, sitting quietly, having lunch with a friend, listening to music, taking a bath or simply spending half an hour doing nothing productive.
Even five minutes a day is a beginning. As prioritising yourself becomes more familiar, gradually create more space for the things that nurture you.
Let go of the need to be perfect
Some people neglect themselves because they are trying to be the perfect parent, partner, employee, friend or homemaker. But there is no such thing as a perfect person.
Your job is not to keep everyone happy, maintain a flawless home or meet every expectation placed upon you. Your job is also to look after yourself, so you can live a balanced life and continue to care for others, without losing yourself in the process.
Prioritising yourself may initially feel unfamiliar, particularly if you have spent years putting others first. Start gradually. Pay attention to your needs. Say no sometimes. Ask for help. Make room for enjoyment.Prioritising yourself is not about always putting yourself first. It is about recognising that your needs matter too.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 1, “Putting Yourself First Is Essential”.
Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].