Think about the last time you made a mistake, failed at something or simply had a bad day.
What did you say to yourself? Perhaps it was something like, “What is wrong with me?” “I’m hopeless.” “I should have done better.” Or maybe you compared yourself with somebody else and decided that you simply weren’t good enough. Now imagine that someone you love came to you feeling exactly the same way. Would you speak to them as harshly as you speak to yourself?
Probably not.
As a psychologist with more than 23 years’ experience, I have seen how readily people offer kindness, encouragement and understanding to others while being extraordinarily hard on themselves. This is where self-compassion becomes so important.
Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding, accepting that you have flaws, acknowledging your pain rather than judging it and comforting yourself when life is difficult.
Self-criticism doesn’t make you better
Many people believe they need to be hard on themselves to stay motivated. They worry that if they stop criticising themselves, they will become lazy, complacent or less successful. But constantly telling yourself that you are not good enough is not an effective motivational strategy. In fact, self-criticism can have the opposite effect. If every mistake becomes an opportunity to attack yourself, failure becomes something to fear. You may become less willing to take risks or try again.
Self-compassion does not mean lowering your standards. You can still want to improve, work hard and take responsibility for your behaviour without tearing yourself apart when things go wrong. Research shows that self-compassionate people can maintain high standards while responding to setbacks without becoming as demoralised.
Notice how you speak to yourself
The first step towards greater self-compassion is simply becoming aware of your internal dialogue. Listen for statements such as “You idiot,” “I never get anything right,” “I can’t believe I did that,” or “I’ll never succeed.”
Sometimes we have spoken to ourselves this way for so long that we no longer notice it.
When you catch yourself being self-critical, stop and ask: Would I speak this way to someone I love? If the answer is no, why is it acceptable to speak that way to yourself?
Then try replacing the critical thought with something more realistic and compassionate. Instead of “I always get everything wrong,” you might say, “I made a mistake. I don’t like what happened, but everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from this?” This isn’t pretending everything is wonderful. It is choosing a more balanced and helpful way of responding to yourself.
Treat yourself as you would a good friend
This is one of the simplest ways to practise self-compassion. When someone you care about is struggling, you probably try to comfort them. When they fail, you encourage them. When they doubt themselves, you remind them of their strengths. Try doing the same for yourself. Ask: If my closest friend were going through exactly what I am going through, what would I say to them?
Then say those words to yourself. Perhaps you can say to yourself: “You’re going through a difficult time. You’re doing the best you can.” Or “It didn’t work out this time, but that doesn’t mean you are a failure.” It may feel unnatural initially, particularly if you have spent decades criticising yourself. But self-compassion is something that can be practised and strengthened.
Accept that you are imperfect
Being self-compassionate also means accepting your imperfections. You are going to make mistakes. You will sometimes say the wrong thing, make a poor decision, lose your temper, procrastinate or fail to live up to your own expectations. So will everybody else.
Acceptance does not mean that you shouldn’t try to change something you don’t like about yourself. It means recognising that you can have flaws and still be a worthwhile person. Think about the people you love. Are they perfect? Probably not. Yet you can see their weaknesses without deciding that those weaknesses define everything about them. Try offering yourself the same acceptance.
Allow yourself to have difficult feelings
Self-compassion is particularly important when you are hurting. Sometimes we experience one difficult emotion and then create another by judging ourselves for having it. We feel anxious and think, “I shouldn’t be anxious.” We feel sad and tell ourselves, “I need to get over this.” We become angry and think, “What’s wrong with me?” Instead, acknowledge what you are feeling.
Sadness, disappointment, fear and anger are normal human emotions. You do not have to like them, but you don’t need to condemn yourself for experiencing them either.
Ask yourself what you need at that moment. Perhaps you need rest, comfort, support, exercise, time alone or someone to talk to. Self-compassion involves acknowledging emotional pain rather than pretending it isn’t there.
Be patient with yourself
Changing a lifetime of giving yourself a hard time will not happen overnight. You may become better at speaking compassionately to yourself and then suddenly notice that your old critical voice has returned. That is okay. Rather than criticising yourself for being self-critical—which simply creates another layer of criticism—notice what happened and try again. Progress doesn’t require perfection.
The aim is to gradually develop a different relationship with yourself: one in which you can acknowledge your mistakes, weaknesses and painful feelings without allowing them to become reasons to attack yourself.
Give yourself the compassion you give others
You will inevitably face difficult days. You will make mistakes. Sometimes you will fail. At other times, life will simply hurt. During those moments, you have a choice about the kind of voice you bring to your own experience. You can become your harshest critic, or you can learn to become a source of support for yourself.
Self-compassion does not mean excusing your mistakes or giving up on becoming a better person. It means recognising that you are human, treating yourself with kindness while you learn and grow, and remembering that you deserve the same understanding you so readily give to the people you love.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 5, “Self-compassion is a gift everyone deserves, including you”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].