How often do you move through your day on autopilot? You might eat a meal while looking at your phone, drive somewhere without remembering much of the journey or spend time with someone you love while your mind is thinking about tomorrow. Modern life makes it very easy to be physically present while mentally being somewhere else.
As a psychologist with more than 23 years of experience, I have seen how helpful mindfulness can be in allowing people to slow down, become more aware of what is happening within them, and make more conscious choices about how they want to respond.
Mindfulness does not mean emptying your mind or trying to stop yourself from having thoughts. It means deliberately paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and surroundings in the present moment, with openness and without judgement.
Mindfulness helps you step out of autopilot
Many of our reactions happen automatically. Someone says something we dislike and we immediately become angry. We feel anxious and our mind begins imagining everything that could go wrong. We make a mistake and start criticising ourselves. Mindfulness creates a small but important space between what happens and how we respond.
Instead of immediately reacting, we can notice:
I’m feeling angry.
My shoulders are tense.
I’m having the thought that she deliberately tried to upset me.
Once we notice what is happening, we have more opportunity to choose what we do next. That is one of the most useful aspects of mindfulness: it can help us move from automatic reaction to conscious response.
You are not your thoughts
We often treat our thoughts as though they are facts.
I’m going to fail.
Nobody likes me.
Something terrible is going to happen.
I’m not good enough.
Mindfulness offers another way to relate to these thoughts. Rather than arguing with them or automatically believing them, simply notice that the thought is there. You might say to yourself:
I’m having the thought that I’m going to fail.
That small change creates some distance between you and the thought. The thought is something your mind has produced. It is not necessarily the truth.
In mindfulness, the aim is not always to change a thought, as you might do with CBT. Instead, you can learn to observe it without becoming caught up in it—rather like watching clouds move across the sky.
Stop judging everything you experience
Mindfulness also involves trying to observe your experience without immediately labelling it as good, bad, right or wrong. Suppose you reach for chocolate after deciding to eat more healthily.
Your automatic response might be:
Here I go again. I have no willpower. I’m hopeless.
A mindful observation would be much simpler:
I’m eating chocolate.
That does not mean you cannot decide that you would prefer to make a different choice. It simply removes the unnecessary layer of self-criticism.
As one of the case examples in my book shows, learning to notice behaviour without judgement can make it easier to return to healthier choices after a setback, rather than spiralling into shame and giving up altogether.
Bring yourself back to the present
When your mind is caught up in the past or future, grounding can bring your attention back to what is happening now. One simple way is to focus on your senses.
- Look around you. What can you see?
- What can you hear?
- What can you feel in your body?
- What can you smell?
You can also focus on your breathing or slowly notice sensations throughout your body. You do not have to do this for half an hour. Even a few minutes of deliberately focusing on your body or surroundings can interrupt an unhelpful train of thought and reconnect you with the present moment.
Mindfulness can help with difficult emotions
Being mindful does not mean that you stop experiencing anxiety, anger, sadness, guilt or stress. Instead, you become better at noticing these experiences before they take control of your behaviour. If you are angry, you may notice tension in your stomach and recognise the thought driving your anger. Rather than immediately sending an angry message or starting an argument, you can decide to wait until you are calmer.
If you feel anxious, you can notice the frightening thoughts racing through your mind and remind yourself that they are thoughts rather than predictions. If you feel guilt or shame, mindfulness can help you notice self-critical thoughts and respond with greater self-compassion. This ability to observe what is happening internally can give you greater choice in how you respond.
Incorporate mindfulness into your everyday life
Mindfulness can be incorporated into ordinary life. You can walk mindfully and notice the air, your surroundings and the movement of your body. You can eat mindfully, noticing the taste, smell, texture and appearance of your food. You can listen mindfully when somebody speaks instead of preparing your response while they are still talking. You can even wash dishes mindfully by paying attention to the temperature of the water, the movement of your hands and what you can see and hear. The aim is simply to be more fully present in an activity rather than allowing your mind to constantly drift elsewhere.
Use mindfulness to reconnect with what matters to you
Mindfulness can also help you reconnect with what really matters to you—your values. Ask yourself: What is genuinely important to me? Perhaps it is family, health, kindness, friendship, learning, independence, honesty and/or contribution. Then ask: Does the way I am currently living reflect those values?
You might say family is one of your highest values but realise that you spend most evenings looking at your phone rather than talking to your children or partner. You may value health but continually neglect exercise and sleep. You may value close friendships but rarely make time to contact friends.
Values-based mindfulness means becoming conscious of these discrepancies and then taking small, deliberate steps to live more consistently with what matters to you.
Small changes matter
You do not need to completely redesign your life. You might decide to have one device-free hour with your family each evening. You might spend ten minutes every morning walking. You might call somebody you care about once a week. You might pause before responding when you are angry. The important thing is that the choice is deliberate rather than automatic.
Mindfulness helps you notice where you are, how you are feeling and what you are doing. Your values then help you decide whether that behaviour is taking you towards the life you want to live.
Begin by noticing
You do not need to become an expert meditator to benefit from mindfulness.Start by noticing. Notice when your mind disappears into the past. Notice when it races into the future. Notice your emotions, physical sensations and automatic reactions. Then gently bring yourself back to the present and ask: What response would serve me best right now? Over time, those moments of awareness can change the way you experience your life.
A peaceful life is not created by having perfect circumstances or never experiencing difficult thoughts and emotions. It comes from learning to relate differently to what happens inside you, becoming more present in your life and making conscious choices that reflect the person you want to be.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 10, “Mindfulness Can Enrich Your Life”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].