When was the last time you did something purely for yourself? Not because it was productive. Not because somebody else needed you to do it. Not because it was another task to tick off your list. Simply because it made you feel good. For many people, that question is surprisingly difficult to answer.
As a psychologist with more than 23 years’ experience, I have seen how easily self-care disappears when life becomes busy. Work, children, partners, household responsibilities or the endless things that “need to be done” take priority. We tell ourselves we will rest or do something enjoyable when everything else is finished.
The problem is that everything else is rarely finished. Self-care is not a luxury or an indulgence. It is an essential part of maintaining your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Recognise what happens when you neglect self-care
We can keep going without adequately looking after ourselves for a while. But eventually, there is likely to be a cost. When self-care is neglected, you may begin feeling stressed, exhausted, overworked or low in mood. You may have less energy and patience and find yourself no longer enjoying things you once loved. Long-term neglect of your own needs can eventually contribute to burnout—a feeling that you are running on empty and have little left to give.
Ironically, people often neglect themselves because they are trying to give more to everybody else. But you cannot continually give without replenishing yourself.
Think of the familiar saying: you can’t give from an empty cup. If you want to have energy for your work, relationships, family and responsibilities, you also need opportunities to refill that cup.
Start by asking yourself what you need
Self-care will not look the same for everyone, and it may not even look the same for you from one day to the next. A simple place to start is to pause for a few minutes and check in with yourself.
Ask: What do I need today? Are you tired and needing rest? Is your mind overloaded and craving some quiet? Have you been isolated and need to see a friend? Are you bored and needing stimulation or excitement? Has your mood been low, and would doing something enjoyable help lift it?
Learning to tune in to your body and mind helps you choose the kind of self-care you actually need, rather than treating self-care as another task you “should” be doing.
Keep self-care simple
Self-care does not have to mean an expensive spa treatment, a weekend away or hours of free time. It can be going for a walk, reading a novel, taking a bath, listening to music, having coffee with a friend, meditating for ten minutes or simply sitting quietly.
Physical activity is another valuable form of self-care. Moving your body can improve your mood and mental wellbeing and help you recharge.
Socialising also matters. When life becomes busy, relationships with friends and family can easily be pushed aside. Yet maintaining meaningful relationships gives us emotional and practical support and can help us cope during difficult periods.
Make time for activities you enjoy
When life becomes busy, enjoyable activities are often among the first things we stop doing.
Think about what you used to enjoy before life became so full.
Did you paint? Sing? Write? Take photographs? Garden? Play golf? Dance? Cook for pleasure rather than necessity? Your passions are not frivolous extras. Doing something simply because you love it can help you feel happier, more balanced and better equipped to manage life’s demands.
Nature can also provide an opportunity to recharge. A bushwalk, time in a park, swimming in the ocean or simply disconnecting from technology and being outdoors may be exactly what you need.
Be present during your self-care
There is little point setting aside half an hour for yourself if you spend the entire time mentally running through your to-do list.
When you are doing something for yourself, try to actually be there. If you are walking, notice what is around you. If you are having coffee with a friend, give them your full attention. If you are reading, allow yourself to become absorbed in the book rather than thinking about what you “should” be doing next. Being present helps you get more benefit from the time you have set aside for yourself.
Make self-care non-negotiable
One of the biggest mistakes people make is waiting until they “have time” for self-care.
Usually, that time never appears. Instead, schedule it. Put self-care into your day in the same way you would schedule an appointment, work meeting or school commitment. Even a small amount of time is worthwhile.
You might decide that every morning you will take ten quiet minutes before the day begins. You might schedule two walks during the week, lunch with a friend, an hour to read on Sunday afternoon, or a regular evening where you do something simply because you enjoy it.
The important thing is consistency.
Think ahead about what might get in the way of your self-care and how you can overcome those barriers. And rather than criticising yourself when things do not go perfectly, acknowledge the small improvements you make.
Let go of the guilt
Some people feel guilty the moment they do something for themselves. They think, I should be cleaning. I should be working. I should be spending this time with someone else. But self-care is not laziness. It is not selfishness. It is maintenance. Just as a car cannot continue running without fuel and servicing, neither can you. The time you spend replenishing yourself helps you return to your responsibilities with more energy, patience and resilience.
Choose one thing you can do for yourself today
You do not need to overhaul your life. Start with one small question: What is one thing I can do for myself today?
Maybe you need rest. Maybe you need movement. Maybe you need laughter, creativity, quiet, connection or simply some time alone. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to do it.
Self-care is not something you earn once all your work is finished. It is part of what helps you continue doing that work, caring for the people you love and enjoying your own life along the way.
You deserve more than simply getting through your days. Make room for the things that restore, nurture and energise you. Self-care is not a luxury. It is a necessity.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 2, “Self-Care Is a Necessity, not a Luxury”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].