Have you ever lain awake at 2 o’clock in the morning thinking, What if I lose my job? What if something happens to my children? What if I never feel better? If so, you are certainly not alone. As a psychologist with more than 23 years’ experience, I have worked with hundreds of people who struggle with worry and overthinking.
Everyone worries from time to time. Some worry can even be useful when it alerts us to a genuine problem and motivates us to do something about it. The difficulty comes when worry becomes repetitive and unproductive, particularly when we are worrying about things that are unlikely to happen or that are outside our control.
The good news is that worrying less is a skill you can learn.
Worrying is not the same as problem-solving
Many people believe that worrying protects them. You may tell yourself, If I worry about this enough, I’ll be prepared, or If I stop worrying, something will go wrong. This may sometimes be true of problem-solving, but worrying and problem-solving are very different.
Worry tends to focus on everything that could go wrong. Problem-solving focuses on what you can actually do. This is an important distinction because worry can feel like problem-solving, even when it is only making you more anxious and not helping you find a solution.
So, when you notice yourself worrying, try asking yourself one very important question:
Is this a problem I can do something about?
Is your worry solvable or unsolvable? I encourage people to divide their worries into two categories: solvable worries and unsolvable worries.
A solvable worry concerns something you can influence. Perhaps you are worried that you will not meet a work deadline. Instead of spending hours imagining what will happen if you fail, you can make a plan: reorganise your workload, ask for help or speak to your manager.
An unsolvable worry concerns something you cannot currently control or predict: What if I become seriously ill one day? What if my partner eventually leaves me? What if something happens to my child? No amount of worrying can give you certainty about these things.
Once you begin separating the two, you can put your energy into solving the problems you can influence and practise letting go of those you cannot.
Challenge the frightening prediction
Worry has a habit of turning a possibility into a probability. For example, you might think, My boss looked unhappy with me. I’m going to lose my job. Rather than automatically believing the thought, examine the evidence. Ask yourself:
- What evidence suggests that what I fear will happen?
- What evidence suggests that it won’t?
- What is the most likely outcome?
- If the worst did happen, could I cope with it?
- What would I say to a friend who had exactly the same worry?
These questions can help you replace catastrophic thinking with something more realistic and balanced.
Give worry its own time
If you find worries intruding throughout the day, another useful strategy is to create a designated “worry time.” Choose a particular time each day and give yourself a maximum amount of time. When a worry appears outside that period, write it down if necessary and tell yourself, “Not now. I’ll think about that during my worry time.” Then redirect your attention to whatever you are doing.
When your designated time arrives, you can return to anything that still seems important. Interestingly, you may find that some of the worries that seemed so urgent earlier no longer feel worth thinking about at all.
Bring yourself back to the present
Worry usually takes us away from what is happening right now and into an imagined future.
Mindfulness can help bring you back. One simple technique is a Five Senses Mindfulness exercise. Pause and deliberately notice what you can see, hear, smell and physically feel around you. Instead of following the worrying thought into the future, gently return your attention to your immediate experience.
Exercise can also be helpful for calming racing or repetitive thoughts, while taking practical action on genuine problems can reduce the amount of mental space they occupy.
Learn to respond to uncertainty differently
The goal is not necessarily to reach a point where you never worry again. Worry is a normal human experience. The aim is to recognise when worry is helping you and when it is simply stealing your peace of mind.
When you catch yourself worrying, pause. Ask whether the problem is within your control. If it is, decide what you can do and take action. If it isn’t, practise letting the thought go and bring yourself back to the present.
And be patient with yourself. If you have been worrying or overthinking for years, changing that pattern takes practice.
If worry continues to significantly affect your sleep, relationships, work or ability to enjoy your life, consider seeking support from a psychologist or another qualified mental health professional.
Peace of mind does not come from knowing that nothing will ever go wrong. It comes from learning that you can deal with life as it comes.
For more practical strategies on this topic, see Chapter 7, “You Can Let Go of Worry and Have Peace of Mind”. Chantal Kayem is a psychologist and author of The Art of a Peaceful Life: Ten Key Principles for a Healthier Mind and Inner Harmony [Find out more about the book].